dozydeer

just like that, it's gone
the band beach house is my favorite band of all time. i remember seeing this exact reposted by emma chamberlain on instagram. beach house has been my top artist every year since. i used to spend all day in the same clothes, laying outside in the sun with my eyes closed, listening to this song.
i was in the middle of my teenage years, and i was despairingly locked inside my own home, alone all day. i spent a lot of time thinking about myself. about my life and who i was. i had just begun to realize my own evolution into something unrecognizable. i was no longer the child i once thought of myself as, and i had begun to grow into something that i wasnt prepared for. the guilt and shame i was unable to name before had finally been apparent to me.
i do not remember those years well. or even the years after. i dont remember much of my past at all. i often am told of things i did that i had no recollection of.
there was a moment these past year where i looked at myself in the mirror and was completely unable to recognize myself. it was frightening. i was looking at a girl who somewhat looked like me, and i was suddenly ten years old. when youre a kid you always look the same. when you get older, you realize you look different everyday.
anyways, fantastic song. everytime i hear it i can picture myself running slowly. it is soft and melancholic. but beneath the choir is something intentionally unspoken.

if you want my love, take it baby
the album cover this track is on is one of my favorites. i listen to song around the same time every year. mid to late spring, when it starts really getting warm and green, but it rains and chills often enough that everything is so lush. this song is soft and warm and light, like a little smile that can't help but keep growing. it reminds me of late nights and long days. it reminds me of seeking peace in the middle of chaos. it makes me hopeful, maybe one day i can have it all.

pulled rounder, pulled rounder
if you put all my physical and metaphysical innards into a bottle and shook it up this song would come out.

if i don't know now will my instincts be good?
i find myself drawn to this song over and over again at the moment. i feel like im in a weird limbo. i know i am not the same but i do not know what i will do next. will it come from me or will it come at me? as a child, everything came very simple and clear to me. as an adult, you find out that sometimes you want to do the "wrong" thing, or the "right" thing may have the worst consequence. we want to make bad decisions and risky choices, we want to be ourselves at any cost. then, right and wrong doesnt really matter. it just all comes down to you.

and should i be hugged and tugged down through this tiger's maw?

take your time and ease your mind, in my house of love
this song is so GOOD! ive been really into house this summer. ive been having a hard time listening to anything that doesnt have insane beats and a sexy groove like pls dear lord do not play olivia rodrigo (no hate). but house is so good! and so gay! i hang around way too many straight people. number one theyre not funny. number two they dont get my jokes and look at me crazy. number three mid or worse music taste.

just like a circle, i go back where im from
my brother was the person to introduce me to this song, and to mac miller. ive spoken before about how music has helped me process emotions and connect with others. and this is one example. growing up, i always thought my brothers and i could not be more different people. when he first showed me mac miller, i think i understood that maybe we saw things and felt things more similar than i thought before. my brothers and i couldnt be more different from each other, were in different places doing different things. we have different dreams, motivations, and goals. but there is something special about someone knowing you so fully and completely and still accepting you as you are, and even loving you for it, not in spite of it. i was not a good nor daughter. i think right before i die, i will remember the feeling of playing outside with my brothers once again. ill remember the feeling of the world being so big, but not being scared. ill remember what it was like when i felt like everything was lain out before me, accessible to me only if i tried. the future was full of possibility. i used imagine myself growing into a barbie doll. my life now is very different. one thing ive learned it that you can truly never plan for anything, because whatever you dont prepare for will happen. i need to see the ocean. i need to see the wide deep water expand before me. i need feel much smaller and much bigger than i do now. the small town suburban life scares me a lot. there is a whole world out there and i feel sick to my stomach not being out there. hidden among constant construction and housing developments, roads and cars, too far and too close. i want to be swallowed by the earth. i feel like a river that must flow and ive met a dam. i dont know why by ive always starved for a home and yet wanted to run from any place ive settled. nothing feels right. i feel like an alien. wwhoa. sorry about that rant. needed that!