dozydeer

the band beach house is my favorite band of all time. i remember seeing this exact reposted by emma chamberlain on instagram. beach house has been my top artist every year since. i used to spend all day in the same clothes, laying outside in the sun with my eyes closed, listening to this song.
i was in the middle of my teenage years, and i was despairingly locked inside my own home, alone all day. i spent a lot of time thinking about myself. about my life and who i was. i had just begun to realize my own evolution into something unrecognizable. i was no longer the child i once thought of myself as, and i had begun to grow into something that i wasnt prepared for. the guilt and shame i was unable to name before had finally been apparent to me.
i do not remember those years well. or even the years after. i dont remember much of my past at all. i often am told of things i did that i had no recollection of.
there was a moment these past year where i looked at myself in the mirror and was completely unable to recognize myself. it was frightening. i was looking at a girl who somewhat looked like me, and i was suddenly ten years old. when youre a kid you always look the same. when you get older, you realize you look different everyday.
anyways, fantastic song. everytime i hear it i can picture myself running slowly. it is soft and melancholic. but beneath the choir is something intentionally unspoken.

the album cover this track is on is one of my favorites. i listen to song around the same time every year. mid to late spring, when it starts really getting warm and green, but it rains and chills often enough that everything is so lush. this song is soft and warm and light, like a little smile that can't help but keep growing. it reminds me of late nights and long days. it reminds me of seeking peace in the middle of chaos. it makes me hopeful, maybe one day i can have it all.